Tuesday, July 02, 2013
Sunday, June 02, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
The Jill and Megan Sessions (Season Four)
On Franco and Breaking the Rape Barrier
A phone rings
Jill: Jill Farren Phelps, Executive Producer of The Young and the Restless.
Megan: Is that seriously how you answer the phone, now?
J: McTavish? How did you…are you doing?
M: I’m not calling for a job, Jill.
J: Oh, Meg, you know I always want to talk to you.
M: Of course.
J: You told my assistant you were Jensen Buchanan again, didn’t you?
M: I just need a second, Jill.
J: I’m clean, Meg. I’m off the rock. And talking to you is not good for my recovery.
M: I’m not looking to score. Are you watching GH?
J: What?
M: Are you watching it? Did you see the whole Franco thing today?
J: Franco’s back? Seriously, I thought he had moved on to gay porn now?
M: No, James Franco’s not back, just the character.
J: Really?
M: You seriously don’t know this?
J: Well, Jeanne did just die.
M: Oh, of course. Sorry. I actually really liked her.
J: She was one of the last of real broads.
M: She was. Though I always thought what Kay Chancellor really needed was-
J: A heretofore-unmentioned blonde sister.
M: You do know me, lady. But, anyway, do you know who’s playing Franco?
J: Timothy Gibbs!
M: Jesus. Have you ever heard the expression about how, to a hammer, everything looks like a nail?
J: Your point?
M: You wanted to cast him as Edward Quartermaine, Jill.
J: Meg, get to your point. I have to get to my weekly meeting with Eric Braedan regarding the state of Victor
Newman’s virility quotient.
M: Yeesh.
J: It’s a whole thing. He has charts and graphs like freaking Ross Perot.
M: Anyway, they’ve got Roger Howarth playing Franco. With a blonde go-go boy hairdo.
J: That’s, like, really stupid.
M: From the woman who killed Maureen.
J: Watch it.
M: But that’s not really why I’m calling. So, Franco raped Sam. Except now he didn’t. That whole thing. Meanwhile, they’ve got Lulu with amnesia because she was probably raped by Stavros.
J: Stavros?
M: They unfroze him for like a week. Kelker-Kelly flew in from bumfuck wherever he lives now.
J: A week. Wonder how many harassment claims Valentini has to handle now.
M: Now, Franco also had Michael raped in prison, which is about to come out.
J: That’s kind of a lot of rape.
M: That’s what I thought. I mean, I love a rape story.
J: I know it!
M: If my epitaph is “Here lies Megan McTavish: She raped Bianca” I will have lived a blessed life.
J: Sure.
M: I unaborted a fetus.
J: You did.
M: Remember all the mindfuckery I did to poor Lucy Cooper back in the day? I get a good rape story.
J: You do.
M: But, like, isn’t it maybe just, I don’t know, enough with the rape? You’ve got Sam, Lulu and Michael, plus Connie the split personality who was raped by some dude in Bensonhurst.
J: Fucking Bensonhurst. Toward the end, I made Guza pay me a dollar every time that damn neighborhood appeared in a script. At the end of LocCicero’s first month, I was able to buy the entire crew lunch.
M: So, there’s four rape victims in major story. Plus, Luke and Laura is always this thing that’s out there.
J: Plus Liz, Monica…
M: Lesley, she’s around.
J: Carly with the Rick thing.
M: I forgot about that.
J: That’s a lot of rape.
M: It is, isn’t it? I’m not crazy.
J: …
M: About this.
J: No. I think, maybe, he’s finally found It. I never thought it would happen, but he found it: The point at which your show is just too damn rapey.
M: Yep. Ron Carvilati has broken the Rape Barrier.
J: Guza didn’t think it existed.
M: Neither did I. I thought it was just one of Agnes’s batty old theories, like her thing about focusing on character and adding humor whenever possible and not unaborting fetuses. And if anyone was going to find it, I thought it would be Reilly.
J: Or Higley.
M: Or Malone, good gravy. But Carvilati? He always seemed like such a squish, with the writing for veterans and homages to the past and the nunaced homos. I always thought he was just dealing the hand Higley dealt him, with the Tess crap.
J: How do you give that story to Jessica instead of Natalie?
M: Frons.
J: I do not miss that man. He once drunk-texted me a haiku about Alicia Leigh Willis’s breasts. It was meant for Guza.
M: Of course. But I’m right about the raping?
J: Totally. Too much.
M: And it’s all weasely, too. Like he just made Sam think she was raped and Lulu doesn’t really know what happened
to her. But it’s still all about rape.
J: That’s pretty icky. And you know me, I like icky in moderation.
M: You were there for Franco in the first place.
J: I was. Some of my best work.
M: Absolutely. You know how to construct a compelling serial killer story, like Diego or Fax Newman. Those made total sense.
J: Thank you.
M: But this is too much. We should be telling stories about things other than rape. Like baby switching!
J: And senseless murders of young mothers!
M: And blowing shit up!
J: Exactly. God, you know what’s going to suck?
M: What?
J: When GH gets a ratings bump and suddenly we have to rape half the cast.
M: Well, you know who to call if you need some raping done, right? You know what I always say?
J: Who needs Vikings when you’ve got McTavish?
M: Exactly. Which brings me to why I’m calling. I think you should start with – is Cricket still a thing?
J: I have to go, Meg.
M: Wait! I can solve your Victor virility thing in one sentence.
J: Really?
M: Timothy Gibbs rapes Jack Abbott.
J: Kimberly, tell Mr. Braedan I have an urgent call with the network. And close the door. I’m listening, Meg.
M: Mama’s got some rapin’ to do!
The Jill and Megan Sessions is satirical conjecture regarding fictional conversations between Jill Farren Phelps, (Executive Producer of The Young and the Restless, and former Executive Producer of General Hospital, One Life to Live, Guiding Light and Santa Barbara) and Megan McTavish, (former Head Writer of General Hospital, All My Children, One Life to Live and Guiding Light). The author has no evidence that either Ms. Phelps or Ms. McTavish have a history of crack cocaine use and any implication of same is for amusement purposes only. And because I’ve watched their soaps for 20 years and, you know, Occam’s Razor.
A phone rings
Jill: Jill Farren Phelps, Executive Producer of The Young and the Restless.
Megan: Is that seriously how you answer the phone, now?
J: McTavish? How did you…are you doing?
M: I’m not calling for a job, Jill.
J: Oh, Meg, you know I always want to talk to you.
M: Of course.
J: You told my assistant you were Jensen Buchanan again, didn’t you?
M: I just need a second, Jill.
J: I’m clean, Meg. I’m off the rock. And talking to you is not good for my recovery.
M: I’m not looking to score. Are you watching GH?
J: What?
M: Are you watching it? Did you see the whole Franco thing today?
J: Franco’s back? Seriously, I thought he had moved on to gay porn now?
M: No, James Franco’s not back, just the character.
J: Really?
M: You seriously don’t know this?
J: Well, Jeanne did just die.
M: Oh, of course. Sorry. I actually really liked her.
J: She was one of the last of real broads.
M: She was. Though I always thought what Kay Chancellor really needed was-
J: A heretofore-unmentioned blonde sister.
M: You do know me, lady. But, anyway, do you know who’s playing Franco?
J: Timothy Gibbs!
M: Jesus. Have you ever heard the expression about how, to a hammer, everything looks like a nail?
J: Your point?
M: You wanted to cast him as Edward Quartermaine, Jill.
J: Meg, get to your point. I have to get to my weekly meeting with Eric Braedan regarding the state of Victor
Newman’s virility quotient.
M: Yeesh.
J: It’s a whole thing. He has charts and graphs like freaking Ross Perot.
M: Anyway, they’ve got Roger Howarth playing Franco. With a blonde go-go boy hairdo.
J: That’s, like, really stupid.
M: From the woman who killed Maureen.
J: Watch it.
M: But that’s not really why I’m calling. So, Franco raped Sam. Except now he didn’t. That whole thing. Meanwhile, they’ve got Lulu with amnesia because she was probably raped by Stavros.
J: Stavros?
M: They unfroze him for like a week. Kelker-Kelly flew in from bumfuck wherever he lives now.
J: A week. Wonder how many harassment claims Valentini has to handle now.
M: Now, Franco also had Michael raped in prison, which is about to come out.
J: That’s kind of a lot of rape.
M: That’s what I thought. I mean, I love a rape story.
J: I know it!
M: If my epitaph is “Here lies Megan McTavish: She raped Bianca” I will have lived a blessed life.
J: Sure.
M: I unaborted a fetus.
J: You did.
M: Remember all the mindfuckery I did to poor Lucy Cooper back in the day? I get a good rape story.
J: You do.
M: But, like, isn’t it maybe just, I don’t know, enough with the rape? You’ve got Sam, Lulu and Michael, plus Connie the split personality who was raped by some dude in Bensonhurst.
J: Fucking Bensonhurst. Toward the end, I made Guza pay me a dollar every time that damn neighborhood appeared in a script. At the end of LocCicero’s first month, I was able to buy the entire crew lunch.
M: So, there’s four rape victims in major story. Plus, Luke and Laura is always this thing that’s out there.
J: Plus Liz, Monica…
M: Lesley, she’s around.
J: Carly with the Rick thing.
M: I forgot about that.
J: That’s a lot of rape.
M: It is, isn’t it? I’m not crazy.
J: …
M: About this.
J: No. I think, maybe, he’s finally found It. I never thought it would happen, but he found it: The point at which your show is just too damn rapey.
M: Yep. Ron Carvilati has broken the Rape Barrier.
J: Guza didn’t think it existed.
M: Neither did I. I thought it was just one of Agnes’s batty old theories, like her thing about focusing on character and adding humor whenever possible and not unaborting fetuses. And if anyone was going to find it, I thought it would be Reilly.
J: Or Higley.
M: Or Malone, good gravy. But Carvilati? He always seemed like such a squish, with the writing for veterans and homages to the past and the nunaced homos. I always thought he was just dealing the hand Higley dealt him, with the Tess crap.
J: How do you give that story to Jessica instead of Natalie?
M: Frons.
J: I do not miss that man. He once drunk-texted me a haiku about Alicia Leigh Willis’s breasts. It was meant for Guza.
M: Of course. But I’m right about the raping?
J: Totally. Too much.
M: And it’s all weasely, too. Like he just made Sam think she was raped and Lulu doesn’t really know what happened
to her. But it’s still all about rape.
J: That’s pretty icky. And you know me, I like icky in moderation.
M: You were there for Franco in the first place.
J: I was. Some of my best work.
M: Absolutely. You know how to construct a compelling serial killer story, like Diego or Fax Newman. Those made total sense.
J: Thank you.
M: But this is too much. We should be telling stories about things other than rape. Like baby switching!
J: And senseless murders of young mothers!
M: And blowing shit up!
J: Exactly. God, you know what’s going to suck?
M: What?
J: When GH gets a ratings bump and suddenly we have to rape half the cast.
M: Well, you know who to call if you need some raping done, right? You know what I always say?
J: Who needs Vikings when you’ve got McTavish?
M: Exactly. Which brings me to why I’m calling. I think you should start with – is Cricket still a thing?
J: I have to go, Meg.
M: Wait! I can solve your Victor virility thing in one sentence.
J: Really?
M: Timothy Gibbs rapes Jack Abbott.
J: Kimberly, tell Mr. Braedan I have an urgent call with the network. And close the door. I’m listening, Meg.
M: Mama’s got some rapin’ to do!
The Jill and Megan Sessions is satirical conjecture regarding fictional conversations between Jill Farren Phelps, (Executive Producer of The Young and the Restless, and former Executive Producer of General Hospital, One Life to Live, Guiding Light and Santa Barbara) and Megan McTavish, (former Head Writer of General Hospital, All My Children, One Life to Live and Guiding Light). The author has no evidence that either Ms. Phelps or Ms. McTavish have a history of crack cocaine use and any implication of same is for amusement purposes only. And because I’ve watched their soaps for 20 years and, you know, Occam’s Razor.
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