Bad Tiki is moving

Welcome to That Baton Was On Fire.

Under Construction

Pardon the mess. Bad Tiki is currently undergoing a redesign. Come Back Soon.

The Jill and Megan Sessions (Season Four)

On Franco and Breaking the Rape Barrier

A phone rings


Jill: Jill Farren Phelps, Executive Producer of The Young and the Restless.

Megan: Is that seriously how you answer the phone, now?

J: McTavish? How did you…are you doing?

M: I’m not calling for a job, Jill.

J: Oh, Meg, you know I always want to talk to you.

M: Of course.

J: You told my assistant you were Jensen Buchanan again, didn’t you?

M: I just need a second, Jill.

J: I’m clean, Meg. I’m off the rock. And talking to you is not good for my recovery.

M: I’m not looking to score. Are you watching GH?

J: What?

M: Are you watching it? Did you see the whole Franco thing today?

J: Franco’s back? Seriously, I thought he had moved on to gay porn now?

M: No, James Franco’s not back, just the character.

J: Really?

M: You seriously don’t know this?

J: Well, Jeanne did just die.

M: Oh, of course. Sorry. I actually really liked her.

J: She was one of the last of real broads.

M: She was. Though I always thought what Kay Chancellor really needed was-

J: A heretofore-unmentioned blonde sister.

M: You do know me, lady. But, anyway, do you know who’s playing Franco?

J: Timothy Gibbs!

M: Jesus. Have you ever heard the expression about how, to a hammer, everything looks like a nail?

J: Your point?

M: You wanted to cast him as Edward Quartermaine, Jill.

J: Meg, get to your point. I have to get to my weekly meeting with Eric Braedan regarding the state of Victor
Newman’s virility quotient.

M: Yeesh.

J: It’s a whole thing. He has charts and graphs like freaking Ross Perot.

M: Anyway, they’ve got Roger Howarth playing Franco. With a blonde go-go boy hairdo.

J: That’s, like, really stupid.

M: From the woman who killed Maureen.

J: Watch it.

M: But that’s not really why I’m calling. So, Franco raped Sam. Except now he didn’t. That whole thing. Meanwhile, they’ve got Lulu with amnesia because she was probably raped by Stavros.

J: Stavros?

M: They unfroze him for like a week. Kelker-Kelly flew in from bumfuck wherever he lives now.

J: A week. Wonder how many harassment claims Valentini has to handle now.

M: Now, Franco also had Michael raped in prison, which is about to come out.

J: That’s kind of a lot of rape.

M: That’s what I thought. I mean, I love a rape story.

J: I know it!

M: If my epitaph is “Here lies Megan McTavish: She raped Bianca” I will have lived a blessed life.

J: Sure.

M: I unaborted a fetus.

J: You did.

M: Remember all the mindfuckery I did to poor Lucy Cooper back in the day? I get a good rape story.

J: You do.

M: But, like, isn’t it maybe just, I don’t know, enough with the rape? You’ve got Sam, Lulu and Michael, plus Connie the split personality who was raped by some dude in Bensonhurst.

J: Fucking Bensonhurst. Toward the end, I made Guza pay me a dollar every time that damn neighborhood appeared in a script. At the end of LocCicero’s first month, I was able to buy the entire crew lunch.

M: So, there’s four rape victims in major story. Plus, Luke and Laura is always this thing that’s out there.

J: Plus Liz, Monica…

M: Lesley, she’s around.

J: Carly with the Rick thing.

M: I forgot about that.

J: That’s a lot of rape.

M: It is, isn’t it? I’m not crazy.

J: …

M: About this.

J: No. I think, maybe, he’s finally found It. I never thought it would happen, but he found it: The point at which your show is just too damn rapey.

M: Yep. Ron Carvilati has broken the Rape Barrier.

J: Guza didn’t think it existed.

M: Neither did I. I thought it was just one of Agnes’s batty old theories, like her thing about focusing on character and adding humor whenever possible and not unaborting fetuses. And if anyone was going to find it, I thought it would be Reilly.

J: Or Higley.

M: Or Malone, good gravy. But Carvilati? He always seemed like such a squish, with the writing for veterans and homages to the past and the nunaced homos. I always thought he was just dealing the hand Higley dealt him, with the Tess crap.

J: How do you give that story to Jessica instead of Natalie?

M: Frons.

J: I do not miss that man. He once drunk-texted me a haiku about Alicia Leigh Willis’s breasts. It was meant for Guza.

M: Of course. But I’m right about the raping?

J: Totally. Too much.

M: And it’s all weasely, too. Like he just made Sam think she was raped and Lulu doesn’t really know what happened
to her. But it’s still all about rape.

J: That’s pretty icky. And you know me, I like icky in moderation.

M: You were there for Franco in the first place.

J: I was. Some of my best work.

M: Absolutely. You know how to construct a compelling serial killer story, like Diego or Fax Newman. Those made total sense.

J: Thank you.

M: But this is too much. We should be telling stories about things other than rape. Like baby switching!

J: And senseless murders of young mothers!

M: And blowing shit up!

J: Exactly. God, you know what’s going to suck?

M: What?

J: When GH gets a ratings bump and suddenly we have to rape half the cast.

M: Well, you know who to call if you need some raping done, right? You know what I always say?

J: Who needs Vikings when you’ve got McTavish?

M: Exactly. Which brings me to why I’m calling. I think you should start with – is Cricket still a thing?

J: I have to go, Meg.

M: Wait! I can solve your Victor virility thing in one sentence.

J: Really?

M: Timothy Gibbs rapes Jack Abbott.

J: Kimberly, tell Mr. Braedan I have an urgent call with the network. And close the door. I’m listening, Meg.

M: Mama’s got some rapin’ to do!

The Jill and Megan Sessions is satirical conjecture regarding fictional conversations between Jill Farren Phelps, (Executive Producer of The Young and the Restless, and former Executive Producer of General Hospital, One Life to Live, Guiding Light and Santa Barbara) and Megan McTavish, (former Head Writer of General Hospital, All My Children, One Life to Live and Guiding Light). The author has no evidence that either Ms. Phelps or Ms. McTavish have a history of crack cocaine use and any implication of same is for amusement purposes only. And because I’ve watched their soaps for 20 years and, you know, Occam’s Razor.

Today In Washington

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell somehow became viral video pioneer



Dramatic Chipmunk

This is why I follow politics.

Soap Characters More Qualified for VP

I have two internet obsessions: politics and soap operas. They share many traits like outsized personalities, a focus on words more than action, love triangles, shocking twists and long-planned, slow-to-change narratives. The people are hotter on the soaps, but they’re smarter in politics.

Except John McCain. Picking Sarah Palin from relative obscurity, without vetting, is exactly the sort of thing that would happen on a soap opera. Sarah Palin could be Desperate Housewives’ Bree Van De Kamp, plucked from obscurity without vetting because she reads as: solid Republican; woman. But roiling beneath the bullet points is a whole mess of scandal and salacious details.

McCain seems to have picked someone simply because she was a woman, without thought to the qualities he is seeking in a Vice President. I don’t have a problem with him deciding to pick a woman for political reasons. I have a problem with him picking this woman. She is the most unqualified person ever named to a major ticket. There were plenty of female names floated around far more qualified and better prepared for the job. CEOs, senators, other governors. The GOP may not boast the numbers of great women in elected office the Democrats do, there are still some with experience or brilliance enough to make them plausible VPs. Sarah Palin is completely implausible. I wouldn’t buy this on a soap opera.

To prove my point, I have compiled a list of female soap opera characters more qualified for the Vice Presidency than Sarah Palin. (Though some would certainly benefit from the kind of lax vetting Palin received.)

Nora Hanen (Hillary B. Smith, One Life to Live). Nora is a brilliant litigator who has served as District Attorney of Llantano County, Pennsylvania (pop. ~100,000 depending on Head Writers) for several years. She has prosecuted high-profile criminals including Lindsay Rappaport, a two-time murderer, prison escapee and kidnapper. Her anti-terror credentials include the prosecution of a White Supremacist sect who put her in a coma and various serial killers. Jewish, Nora could be an asset with voters in South Florida. Her self-defense killing of her own kidnapper and attacker gives her an impeccable law and order story. Poised with the press, she would be a vigorous campaigner.

Lucinda Walsh (Elizabeth Hubbard, As the World Turns). La Walsh, as she has known, has been the CEO of the multinational conglomerate Worldwide Industries for decades. She has a hard nose for business, knows how to ask the right questions and, like John McCain, can hold a grudge. He stint as ambassador to Montega (and the fact that her daughter is apparently President for Life of this small Caribbean country) gives her a unique perspective on foreign policy. While the drama surrounding the adoption of her daughter, Lily, is a potential liability, that backstory is so convoluted that it would take the press decades to sort it all out. (It involves twins separated at birth, a magical diamond and a whole mess of people named Snyder.) While older than Palin, Walsh projects a gravitas absent from the Alaskan Governor. Her base of support in Oakdale, Wisconsin could turn a solid blue state purple.

Dorian Cramer Lord (Robin Strasser, One Life to Live) From physician to diplomat to CEO, Dorian Lord’s biography is full of the sort of up by your bootstraps individualism the Republican Party claims to favor. After a harsh childhood is Canton, Ohio (swing state!) Dr. Lord put herself through medical school and became Chief of Staff of Llanview Hospital. After her marriage to billionaire magnate Victor Lord, she became a socialite, philanthropist and, later, ambassador to Mendorra. Her stint in the foreign service provided her with a wealth of experience in diplomacy (and a secret daughter). She has also had the experience of a political wife, helping her husband Herb Callison as both DA and Mayor of Llanview. Turning her sights on the business world, she orchestrated to hostile takeover of multinational conglomerate Buchanan Enterprises. She’s finding success in today’s harsh business climate. She could appeal to voters with her own biography and encourage them to trust her Republican ideals to help John McCain restore the economy. Please note: She was acquitted of the murder of her husband, Victor Lord on appeal and Mitch Laurence was found to have faked his death. Thus: not a murderess.

Erica Kane (Susan Lucci, All My Children) International Supermodel, Fortune 500 CEO, Lover of Men, Fierce Mother and All Around Icon, Erica Kane is a Republican success story. Born to an actor and a secretary in Pine Valley, Pennsylvania (swing state!), Ms. Kane, like Barack Obama, knows what it’s like to grow up without a father. Ambitious, Erica turned her success as a fashion model into Enchantment Cosmetics, a Fortune 500 company. While her two stints in prison for kidnapping (honest mistake!) and insider trading (false charges!) would make her a tough sell, she has paid for her crimes and the investigations are closed. This stands in stark contrast to the corruption investigations currently going on in Juneau. While she did obtain the first legal abortion on daytime, the fact that it was later revealed that her doctor lied, stole the fetus and raised it as his own, gives her a strong point of view on the Right to Life issue. Add to this the fact that her first daughter, Kendall, born before she was sixteen, is an adoption success story. Daughter Bianca, a lesbian, taught Erica compassion and gives her a claim to understanding diversity. Erica Kane is a household name who has dated or been married to men from more than five different countries and several swing states, plus a black guy. She knows how to talk to any constituency or foreign leader. Her inspiring life story would make for an amazing video package at the convention. And her ease on the stump and trend-setting fashion would make her a media darling. She has the economic experience, foreign policy experience, electoral draw and game-changing biography that would have made her the perfect running mate for John McCain. No one doubts Erica Kane’s nerves of steel in a crisis. Also, she never supported Pat Buchanan.

Yes, I have just asserted that Erica Kane is more qualified for the Vice Presidency than Sarah Palin. The scary thing is, I’m kind of right.

James Reilly is the Devil. No really.

I’ll admit it. When I first heard that James Reilly planned a long serial killer story that would involve the death of several major and longtime cast members, I was intrigued. Sure, I was intrigued in the same way I would be if someone asked if I wanted to see what the inside of my digestive track looked like, but intrigued nonetheless. Mainly I was curious to see how badly he would screw it up. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect it to be this bad. Marlena’s reign of terror on Days has been dull, insipid, tasteless, lacking in any sense of credibility or emotional truth, predictable, badly acted, atrociously written and parts have been filmed with all the panache of 6-year-old shooting a horror movie with Legos. But aside from killing 8 beloved characters (for the sake of this argument let’s just pretent Cassie was beloved) Reilly has delivered a nasty blow not only to 38-year-old Days of Our Lives, but to the soap opera medium itself. I’m not ready to sound the death knell for daytime soaps, but they are certainly in poor condition. And Reilly was driving the Mack truck that hit them.

Over the years, Reilly has told some whoppers: The unending and ridiculous story of Carly buried alive by the psychotic Vivian Alamain and the possession by Satan of Dr. Marlena Evans (which ended with hero John Black suddenly discovering he used to be a priest and thus was the perfect man to exorcise her) were the first big splashes he had at Days. Later he created his own soap Passions and proceeded to have his heroine, Sheridan Crane, chased through the Paris tunnel where her “best friend” Princess Diana had been killed a year or so before. Passions also included a witch, Tabitha and her living doll, Timmy, and the constant presence of the “forces in the basement”. All anyone really needs to know about Passions is that Tabitha is the most realistic and multi-dimensional character on the show.

So the guy writes ridiculous stories. There’s nothing really wrong with that, per se. I can say a lot of nice things about the “Clone Reva” story on Guiding Light or Viki’s trip to Heaven on One Life to Live. The thing about those two stories that make them different from Reilly’s is that at the end of the day they were about character. They were about people in outlandish situations still behaving and feeling like real human beings. Reilly’s are simply about outlandish situations. His characters do not grow or change and his main love stories rarely move past a never-ending push-pull courtship and silly contrived devices to keep lovers apart. Sheridan loves Luis but is married to her brother, who will DIE if he finds out the truth. Not figuratively die. The truth will literaly KILL him because of some rare kind of flu, or something, which renders him susceptible to romantic shock. Or something. There’s a lot of “or something” when discussing Reilly’s plots.

His most recent Days story has been without question his worst. All of his faults have been laid bare. By systematically killing off eight core cast members (most of whom had been on the show more than 20 years, including the one remaining original cast member – more on that later) he has certainly created a buzz and ratings have spiked. But what happens when the story is over? He seems to be remaking the show and moving the new generation front and center. But that new generatin is full of callow, unintersting or down-right stupid characters like Belle and Shawn-Douglas who seem to be incapable of doing anything beside whining about virginity or yelling. Even the most shocking twist, that town heroine Dr. Marlena Evans was the psycho killer, failed to do anything really interesting. For one thing, she’s already been possessed by Satan, but for another, she’s been Reilly’s go-to gal for shocking twists for years. No seasoned Days viewer really expected the killer to be anyone but Marlena or Stefano DiMera, the most over-used villain in soap history. His answer to the press is that the story will continue on for years and that it will feature something never before done on daytime. I’m not sure what he meant by that, either the murder of an original cast member or something to do with Marlena’s eventual motive, but the main story has been done before, and a hell of a lot better.

When ABC cancelled Loving in 1995, the plan was to move several cast members to New York City and create a new soap surrounding them called The City. In order to create interest in the waning days of the serial, a host of major or original characters were systematically killed off by a murderer who turned out to be the show’s female lead, Gwynneth Alden. But in contrast to Days, the mystery was tense, the deaths were as respectful as they could be and the ultimate reveal was surprising and dramatically satisfying (consumed by years of loss and heartache, Gwynneth snapped and began killing family and friends in an effort to stop their pain.) Sure, it was a ratings stunt and it was a little bit callous not to let the characters we had watched for 12 years leave our television screens happy. But each death was treated with respect, replete with traditonal funerals and clips packages. And the cops on the trail of the killer were smart and followed logical clues. (Reilly’s cops are the worst on daytime. And when a cop is worse than the Port Charles PD, you really have a problem.)

In comparison, Days’ story has featured brutal murders - compare Loving’s Stacey, dying peacefully in her sleep after using poisoned make-up to Cassie being bludgeoned and stuffed into a pinata - and the deaths have been treated as shallowly as possible. Only in Salem would you have a triple funeral for deaths that ocurred weeks apart (at least in real time, Salem time is a whole other matter). Tony DiMera was mauled by a tiger (his resemblance to Roy Horn added a whole new level of tastelessness to the proceedings). Roman was found covered and blood underneath his own wedding cake. The actors have received absolutely no respect for their years of work on the show. Which brings me to Frances Reid.

From the beginning I suspected this is where it was going. The last victim was beloved town matriarch Alice Horton, played for 38 years by Frances Reid. I never expected Reilly to be as disrespectful as to have her choke to death on a donut which was shoved into her mouth by Marlena, but I can’t realy act surprised. What was even more horrifying was what happened in the press with Executive Producer cracking jokes about how Reid had outlived her agents. As incensed as I was at Anna Lee’s firing on GH late last year, they had the good sense to rescind it and allow her to retire. If ABC had sense (which they don’t) they would hire Reid in Lee’s stead. It would make for a great story and fire a salvo back after Days picked up John Ingle earlier this year. (It was probably a good financial move for Ingle, but the character of Mickey Horton is nowhere near as interesting as Edward Quartermaine even with the jackasses currently writing GH). Reid deserved better. An actress of her age and her years on the show should have been allowed to work as much or as little as she liked. The last original cast member should not be killed by a serial killer. Ever. It’s the lowest point in Reilly’s career, which is already so low it’s approaching the Earth’s core.

There is really only one conclusion I can come to that would cause Reilly to write this story: he hates soap operas. He is incapable of writing the kind of stories that have made the genre so popular for years. His love stories are simply hooks on which to hang his outlandish, “look at me” antics. To disrespect Frances Reid is to disrespect Days of Our Lives and the medium in which it has existed for 38 years. He may believe that this murder story will lure in viewers, but I doubt they will stay long. Once the history is lost, all Days will be is Passions without the witch. And it wouldn’t surprise me if Marlena’s motive turns out to be forces in her basement.

His shows are not soap operas. They are not realistic daily looks at romance and family through a series of interconnected characters. They are excercises in shock and farce. He wants us to laugh at his shows, not with them. Well that’s very ironic and hip, but not a key to long term success. There are only so many times we can watch bad special effects or listen to dialogue Phillip Glass would deem “maddenly repetitive”.

Reilly simply doesn’t get it. He is so caught up in his own outrageousness that he can’t see what he’s doing to the medium. He’s cheapening it, turning it into parody. Modern soaps with their serialized form and mostly everyday, middle class characters are part of a long dramatic traditon that descends from Dickens and Shakespeare and beyond.

Soaps are about carthasis. We want to be drawn in to characters’ lives. We want to experience character’s joy and pain with them as a way to deal with our own. Soap viewers are not detached, they do not laugh when a beloved grandmother is murdered with donuts, they do not find it delightful that a town’s heroine suddenly went psychotic. Good, capital D, Drama, which soaps are a fundamental part of, is about the why and the who. It’s not about shock tactics and ironic humor. It’s not about how daring the writer is, it’s how compelling the characters are.

Reilly really seems to think it should all be about him. But it can’t be. It has to be about the heart. And I’m not sure he has one of those.

Predictions for 2004

Last year I wrote some predictions for what would happen in 2003. For the most part, I was way off base. But a couple of them came very close to happening. Below, find out how I did and what I’m prognosticating for next year:


“Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez will be wed and the marriage will last the year. The relationship will be strained, however, when, after a drunken consolation fuck in the coat room of the wedding chapel, Gwyneth and P. Diddy are married in a lavish ceremony and declared the Celebrity Couple of the Millennium by US Weekly.”

-Okay, so they never did get married. But Gwynnie married Chris Martin, which is a whole lot better than Puffy, so that’s a pleasant surprise. Also, Ben apparently bought a truck. In know because it was the top headline at EW.com.

“The Matrix sequels will be huge hits. The third film, however, will be an artistic disappointment due to the large amounts of screen time given to the Ookies, a band of furry, diminutive cyber hackers who look like teddy bears and speak only in emoticons.”

-So, no Ookies in the thrird movie, but it was an artistic disappointment. If, by artistic disappointment you mean huge pile of crap

“Vin Diesel and Mariah Carey will meet at a film premiere, fall madly in love and begin production of a brood of dubiously talented, racially ambiguous children.”

-This one I’m holding over for ’04. I still think it is inevitable.

“War in Iraq will be averted when Carl Rove informs the President that the only country voters in Michigan hate more than Iraq is Monaco. Prince Rainier surrenders in 45 minutes.”

- If only.

“Anne Heche will finally discover Scientology.”

- Didn’t hear much about Anne this year. And people are saying 2003 sucked.

“EW Reporter Jessica Shaw will be stoned to death by a group of rabid internet fans when she declares Kiefer Sutherland ‘Five Minutes Ago’.”

- Again, if only.

“Tobey Maguire will bow out of Spider Man 2. Jake Gyllenhaal will step in. No one will notice.”

-So close.

“NBC will offer an unprecedented billion dollars and controlling interest in Jay Leno's soul to the cast of Friends to ensure an 11th season. Schwimmer will hold out for more money.”

- It could have happened. In fact, it probably did.

“In the last episode of Oz, millions of fans will rejoice when Beecher and Keller are released from jail, move to Vermont, get married, and open a shop selling specialty jams and jellies.”

-I wish because that last episode sucked.

“After winning Oscars for both Supporting and Lead Actress in the same year, Julianne Moore will alienate much of Hollywood when her second acceptance speech consists solely of the words ‘Suck it, Streep.’”

-This was the one I most wanted to come true. Julianne deserved the award. Scott still can’t talk about it.

“Fox's third entry in the Celebrity Boxing series will be cancelled after Urkel is knocked unconscious by Rerun from What's Happening and Bill O'Reilly bites off Phil Donahue's ear.”

- Well, we lost Fred “Rerun” Barry this year. But Bill O’Reilly did go bonkers and file what may be the funniest copyright infringement suit in history against Al Franken.

“Even though the series has been cancelled, Robert Wuhl will continue to produce episodes on Arli$$ in his den. It will still suck.”

-There are few constants in this world but one is that even in cancellation, Arli$$ still sucks.

“Creatively tapped after the cancellation of girls club, David E. Kelley will convince Greg Germann, Jane Krakowski and Vonda Shepherd to star in AfterAlly. Fox will cancel it halfway through the first episode in favor of a special entitled World's Wackiest Coast Guard Seizures.”

-Actually, AfterAlly sounds better than the Brotherhood of Poland, New Hampshire.

“Avril Lavigne will mysteriously disappear while on a rafting trip with Alanis Morissette and Fiona Apple. No charges will be filed.”

-Damn!

“In February, the NBC promo department will be thrown into chaos when nothing happens in the last five minutes of ER.”

-I wouldn’t know as ER is dead to me.

“And finally, Christina Aguilera will finally make her feature film debut in ‘Latin Gangbang Sluts #38’”

-No, but she did make out with Madonna and throw a hissyfit when no one talked about it, so that’s about the same thing.

Predictions for 2004:

The crisis in the Middle East may finally be solved when a workable plan is offered by the most unlikely person -- Jessica Simpson -- who turns out to have a savant-like grasp of geo-politcal issues.

Desperate to cash in on their successful franchise, New Line will commision scripts for Gimli & Legolas: The Adventure Continues, TV series Eowynn, Shieldmaiden of Rohan and a lavish broadway spectacular called, simply, Gollum!

On April 6, the last holdout, Jerry Thorndike of Lawrence, Kansas, will finally be as sick of the Osbournes as the rest of us.

Fans will be thrown into chaos and annoyance when the fifth season of The Sopronos introduces a never-before-seen third child of Tony and Carmella that all the characters seem to think has always existed. The character, Aurora, will be played by Hallie Kate Eisenberg.

50 Cent will once again be shot in the face. No one will notice.

Sean “Puffy” Combs will continue to think he is relevant in the entertainment industry. The entertainment industry will smile patiently and wait for him to get the hint.

Every single review of Jersey Girl will contain the phrase “Well, at least it’s not Gigli”.

In August, after months of anticipation, the hype for the second season Queer Eye for the Straight Guy will finally block out the sun. Kyan will recommend a good tanning salon.

After months of build-up, Days of Our Lives Serial Killer will be revealed to be popular 80’s ditz Calliope, played by Arleen Sorkin.

The US audience will finally “get” Robbie Williams and he become a huge star in this country. Morrissey will be very pissed.

And finally, after confusing Tony Blair and song and dance man Tommy Tune and referring to the city of San Francisco as “that place with the homos” in the second debate, George W. Bush will be roundly defeated in the general election. All hail President John Cusack.

Okay Frons, this is War

I’m feeling very Howard Beale today. ABC Daytime has done the single most reprehensible thing I have ever witnessed in my 25 years of avidly following soap operas. Anna Lee, the venerable 90-year-old actress, who has played General Hospital's town matriarch Lila Quartermaine since 1978, has been fired. In what is apparently a cost-cutting measure, her contract has not been renewed. While the network promises us that she will appear in a recurring capacity, that means they only have to pay her when she appears. And there is no guarantee that she will appear. Making this all the more egregious is the fact that former Executive producer, Wendy Riche, once promised the actress that she had a lifetime contract with ABC.

Well, apparently, that lifetime has gone on longer than is profitable, so they are reneging on Riche’s statement (which was, of course, unofficial). Their behavior is despicable. Yes, Ms. Lee is in a wheelchair, she’s 90, so she’s not going to be driving front burner romance. But her presence is vital for the show, especially this show, because she brings warmth and a sense of family. And family, not romance, is what this genre is really about. For a show which has spent the last year showing a pregnant woman locked in a panic room by her deranged brother-in-law, then having the same woman shot in the head while delivering her baby (!), not to mention her sister in law miscarrying them hitting another woman with a car, perhaps a little warmth and familial humor shouldn’t be discounted. Lila Quartermaine is the calming presence, the one character everyone loves. And no small part of that is because the audience cares for Anna Lee so much. The woman was a nun in Sound of Music for god sakes.

Ever since Brian Frons took over as head of ABC Daytime, he has made or okay’s one bonehead move after another. The rape of Bianca and the endless and pointless “Sexiest Man” Contest on AMC, the Nathaniel Marston “he’s fired, he’s hired, he’s a ghost” and the decimation of the Holden and Gannon families on OLTL, Port Charles’ cancellation and the continued descent into brutality, misogyny and gunfire that is GH are all the hallmarks of Frons.

I understand that soaps need to cut costs in today’s economy. I understand that ratings are down and the market is crowded with other daytime fare. But firing a 90-year-old woman is not going to save that much money. My guess is the firearm budget alone could support Ms. Lee at the style to which she has become accustomed. Also, I know that there is an air of recklessness on all the soaps. Serial killers are moving in on Salem and Llanview, half the black population of Oakdale has left town or died and there is an ominous dread coming out of Pine Valley right now. But GH already fired Rachel Ames, whose Audrey hardy had been on the show since 1964, making her the closest thing the show has to an original cast member). Ms. Ames’ firing was deplorable and showed a lack of respect for any sense of history. But Anna Lee’s firing shows a complete lack of decency.

And somebody better let Eisner know that ABC is now the network known for firing little old ladies in wheelchairs.

Look, I’m a writer. In fact I want to write soap operas, so I understand that sometimes for the sake of the story, an actor is sacrificed. That’s why I’m not screaming about the massacre at Days right now. (Although I reserve the right to do so.) But this was clearly a business decision. And it’s a business decision that shows just how little the executives care about what fans want or even their own employees. I seriously doubt that the GH set is a very fun place to be right now.

I’m pissed. I want more people to get pissed. This action is unacceptable and I think it’s time for fans to take a stand. At the end of the day, these shows belong to us, not them. We’ve been watching them longer than Brian Frons and we know more about the show than Jill Farren Phelps. We want our stars treated well, especially as they get older, and we want them run not like businesses, but creative endeavors. Anna Lee should be getting a paycheck every week, she’s earned it. And we should be getting better shows with the actors we want to see. If they want to run everything exactly like a business, then that’s their right. I would just like to remind Mr. Frons and his dimwitted cronies, that in business, in the end, it’s all about the consumer. And the consumer is always right.


For information, to sign the petition or just to read about one of Daytimes Grande Dames, check out Anna Lee’s site. The best way to show your support is to write a letter to her care of ABC.

Insomnia and Lego™ People

I spent all last lying in bed trying to decided what I would do if I was told that starting tomorrow I would be Head Writer of All My Children. Yes, this is what I do as I lay asleep at night. While Scott slumbered peacefully beside me, I worked through various scenarios in which I would deliver the show from its sorry current state and restore it to its past glory as a family-centered show with humor and drama. And yes, I’m sure the phrase “past glory” went through my head.

This is what I do when I can’t sleep. Since Scott moved in, I can no longer do what I used to do when I couldn’t sleep – act out scenes from my own soap opera I hope to produce sometime in the future. I have about two years of story for about 35 different characters stored in my brain. These stories have been honed over the years and whenever I couldn’t fall immediately to sleep, I would pick a favorite scene and act it out, usually in my head but occasionally out loud. This is why I can no longer do that. I think Scott would find it odd if I, all of a sudden in the middle of the night, started rambling to Johanna about how I, Mavis, had found her long lost daughter singing in a blues club in Portland, Oregon but hid the fact because I was mad at her for stealing my husband and shooting my brother. Yeah, I think it’s a safe bet he would find that odd.

See, I love soap opera. I always have. My earliest memory is of Erica Kane and Tom Cudahy on their honeymoon in St. Croix. And I don’t mean that that was my first memory of television. I mean, that’s the earliest thing I can remember. I would always watch the soaps with my mom when I was a kid and, well. I think they kind of warped my brain. They drifted into my subconscious and affected the way I played. My Fisher Price people had extramarital affairs. My Weebles blackmailed each other for controlling interest in Weeble Industries. And my Lego™ people…oh, my Lego™ people. There was nothing they didn’t do.

For a decade, most of my free time was spent playing with my Legos™. But I didn’t build spaceships or monsters. I built gigantic, well-appointed homes with carefully inlaid tile floors or secret passageways leading to the gardeners shed so Sarah, the bored, rich Lego™ wife could have liaisons with Jacques, the Lego™ stable hand. There were Lego™ archvillains and Lego™ heroines and every summer, there was a Lego™ plane crash in my backyard so my Lego™ people could wander around the wilderness and occasionally be presumed dead.

And there were always cliffhangers. Every night, before I went to bed, some catastrophe would befall wherever my Lego™ people lived. There would either by a huge avalanche of pillows on top of their rustic ski lodge or a fire made of construction paper would rip through the carefully laid-out Lego™ town. My favorite were the landslides where I would just shove the entire house I had built off the table and let everyone be buried under rubble. And there was always someone buried under rubble.

So I would go to bed each night not knowing who would live or who would die. I always had a few contract players who couldn’t die, so I’d have them be the rescuers in the morning. Then I would throw the rest of the characters in a bag and draw out three whose contracts would not be renewed. Then after the appropriate funeral and hopeful words from the town matriarch, I would disassemble the Lego™ people and put then back together in new configurations, thus creating new characters to repopulate the town. And if I happened to recreate a Lego™ person who looked exactly like a character I had recently killed off, then I would have to figure out a story for how they had survived being buried alive by the rock slide (gravel in the backyard) and have them return to town, usually to find their spouses remarried and their children rapidly aged. (There are no Lego™ babies, so it was necessary).

And my characters, I loved my characters. Some had been with me from my first Lego™ Town Set. There was Paul Crusafin, the dark-haired man with a business suit painted in white on his blue torso. He started out as my hero, but after a while became a nasty archvillain, always working on some dastardly plan to wrest control of the McCafferty family’s business and fortune. There was young Mariah McCafferty, the headstrong young daughter who set out to thwart Paul at every turn. And managed to be married 12 times, but to only 5 different men. There was a lot of coming back from the dead.

My Lego™ people were my friends when I needed them. They were a world I could retreat to when school was difficult or my parents were annoying me. And they allowed me to experiment with storytelling as I could go back and tell a particularly good plot over again if I wasn’t fully satisfied with the outcome.

I tried to show Scott the family tree I had created for my Lego™ people the other night but he resisted a bit. I don’t think he really wants to know how deep my neurosis goes. But when people ask me why I continue to watch soaps or why, in my heart of hearts, they are really what I want to be writing, I have to explain to them that I have been writing them my entire life. They are a part of me. Which is why I get so annoyed when they start sucking uncontrollably. And why I can’t sleep some nights until I figure out exactly the best way to bring All My Children back to its prime.

Also, I may be just a little bit crazy.