Predictions for 2004

Last year I wrote some predictions for what would happen in 2003. For the most part, I was way off base. But a couple of them came very close to happening. Below, find out how I did and what I’m prognosticating for next year:


“Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez will be wed and the marriage will last the year. The relationship will be strained, however, when, after a drunken consolation fuck in the coat room of the wedding chapel, Gwyneth and P. Diddy are married in a lavish ceremony and declared the Celebrity Couple of the Millennium by US Weekly.”

-Okay, so they never did get married. But Gwynnie married Chris Martin, which is a whole lot better than Puffy, so that’s a pleasant surprise. Also, Ben apparently bought a truck. In know because it was the top headline at EW.com.

“The Matrix sequels will be huge hits. The third film, however, will be an artistic disappointment due to the large amounts of screen time given to the Ookies, a band of furry, diminutive cyber hackers who look like teddy bears and speak only in emoticons.”

-So, no Ookies in the thrird movie, but it was an artistic disappointment. If, by artistic disappointment you mean huge pile of crap

“Vin Diesel and Mariah Carey will meet at a film premiere, fall madly in love and begin production of a brood of dubiously talented, racially ambiguous children.”

-This one I’m holding over for ’04. I still think it is inevitable.

“War in Iraq will be averted when Carl Rove informs the President that the only country voters in Michigan hate more than Iraq is Monaco. Prince Rainier surrenders in 45 minutes.”

- If only.

“Anne Heche will finally discover Scientology.”

- Didn’t hear much about Anne this year. And people are saying 2003 sucked.

“EW Reporter Jessica Shaw will be stoned to death by a group of rabid internet fans when she declares Kiefer Sutherland ‘Five Minutes Ago’.”

- Again, if only.

“Tobey Maguire will bow out of Spider Man 2. Jake Gyllenhaal will step in. No one will notice.”

-So close.

“NBC will offer an unprecedented billion dollars and controlling interest in Jay Leno's soul to the cast of Friends to ensure an 11th season. Schwimmer will hold out for more money.”

- It could have happened. In fact, it probably did.

“In the last episode of Oz, millions of fans will rejoice when Beecher and Keller are released from jail, move to Vermont, get married, and open a shop selling specialty jams and jellies.”

-I wish because that last episode sucked.

“After winning Oscars for both Supporting and Lead Actress in the same year, Julianne Moore will alienate much of Hollywood when her second acceptance speech consists solely of the words ‘Suck it, Streep.’”

-This was the one I most wanted to come true. Julianne deserved the award. Scott still can’t talk about it.

“Fox's third entry in the Celebrity Boxing series will be cancelled after Urkel is knocked unconscious by Rerun from What's Happening and Bill O'Reilly bites off Phil Donahue's ear.”

- Well, we lost Fred “Rerun” Barry this year. But Bill O’Reilly did go bonkers and file what may be the funniest copyright infringement suit in history against Al Franken.

“Even though the series has been cancelled, Robert Wuhl will continue to produce episodes on Arli$$ in his den. It will still suck.”

-There are few constants in this world but one is that even in cancellation, Arli$$ still sucks.

“Creatively tapped after the cancellation of girls club, David E. Kelley will convince Greg Germann, Jane Krakowski and Vonda Shepherd to star in AfterAlly. Fox will cancel it halfway through the first episode in favor of a special entitled World's Wackiest Coast Guard Seizures.”

-Actually, AfterAlly sounds better than the Brotherhood of Poland, New Hampshire.

“Avril Lavigne will mysteriously disappear while on a rafting trip with Alanis Morissette and Fiona Apple. No charges will be filed.”

-Damn!

“In February, the NBC promo department will be thrown into chaos when nothing happens in the last five minutes of ER.”

-I wouldn’t know as ER is dead to me.

“And finally, Christina Aguilera will finally make her feature film debut in ‘Latin Gangbang Sluts #38’”

-No, but she did make out with Madonna and throw a hissyfit when no one talked about it, so that’s about the same thing.

Predictions for 2004:

The crisis in the Middle East may finally be solved when a workable plan is offered by the most unlikely person -- Jessica Simpson -- who turns out to have a savant-like grasp of geo-politcal issues.

Desperate to cash in on their successful franchise, New Line will commision scripts for Gimli & Legolas: The Adventure Continues, TV series Eowynn, Shieldmaiden of Rohan and a lavish broadway spectacular called, simply, Gollum!

On April 6, the last holdout, Jerry Thorndike of Lawrence, Kansas, will finally be as sick of the Osbournes as the rest of us.

Fans will be thrown into chaos and annoyance when the fifth season of The Sopronos introduces a never-before-seen third child of Tony and Carmella that all the characters seem to think has always existed. The character, Aurora, will be played by Hallie Kate Eisenberg.

50 Cent will once again be shot in the face. No one will notice.

Sean “Puffy” Combs will continue to think he is relevant in the entertainment industry. The entertainment industry will smile patiently and wait for him to get the hint.

Every single review of Jersey Girl will contain the phrase “Well, at least it’s not Gigli”.

In August, after months of anticipation, the hype for the second season Queer Eye for the Straight Guy will finally block out the sun. Kyan will recommend a good tanning salon.

After months of build-up, Days of Our Lives Serial Killer will be revealed to be popular 80’s ditz Calliope, played by Arleen Sorkin.

The US audience will finally “get” Robbie Williams and he become a huge star in this country. Morrissey will be very pissed.

And finally, after confusing Tony Blair and song and dance man Tommy Tune and referring to the city of San Francisco as “that place with the homos” in the second debate, George W. Bush will be roundly defeated in the general election. All hail President John Cusack.